Agree to Talk
At
some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist
between you. If you're going to resolve issues, there needs to be a
mutual commitment to listen to the other person's concerns and to work
towards improving the situation. Don't corner your spouse with an
unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through
your issues.
Be Prepared
Before you have the talk,
take the time separately to think through the unresolved issues that
you'll be discussing. What are your concerns in the relationship? In
what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations
of your spouse? To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but
either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the
real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to
what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share
your view on things.
Be Direct but Gentle
Neither of you has
anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember:
unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all
your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don't allow
things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things
sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary but agree to continue.
Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult
issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of
which partner initiated the wrong, you both need to work at resolving
the problem.
Begin to Meet Un-met Needs
Often a
person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their
needs are not being met. A healthy marriage demands that both partners
actively work to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet
those needs. Seek to understand your spouse's needs and ask yourself
how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make
your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.
Deal With
Your Own Stuff
If I am feeling abandoned by my
spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to
drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility.
Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible for and
take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of
course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they
may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can't stop
you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties
must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of
your recovery from the emotional detachment.
Intentially
Re-Engage
If you are to re-establish your
emotional connection, it won't happen by accident and it won't happen
overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and
spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other
in your schedules. It's time to re-enter one another's lives again.
Act
Kindly
This may not be a revolutionary new idea,
but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act
kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness,
and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way
toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with
real commitment to make the necessary changes.
Love
Unconditionally
Somebody has to break out of the
negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment.
You need to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond
differently. You cannot control your spouse's behaviour, but you can
control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must
choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your
partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you
promised to love each other "for better or for worse." And nothing
breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.
Allow God to
Work
I'm going to challenge you to ask God to
change you. God wants your best and He'll always be ready to take full
responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That
also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love
again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you'll allow
Him to. We've all got issues to work through in our relationships.
Whether your problems stem from bitterness, unforgiveness, dishonesty,
lack of kindness, unfaithfulness, or something else, God offers you His
power to enable you to live in a way that honors Him. There's no doubt
in my mind that God wants your marriage to work and that you desire to
have warmth and a close connection with your spouse. That's His design.
Let's go after it.
Dr.
Dave Currie is the National Director of FamilyLife Canada. He and his
wife Donalyn live in Abbotsford, BC, and are regular speakers at
FamilyLife Marriage Conferences. Dave is also the host of Marriage
Uncensored, a television program airing on NOW TV.
We want to know what you think
about Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos's article, "Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out." Please email
your feedback to us.
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