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How to Damage Your Relationship
By Jennine Estes
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Dateless days: Relationships are like
flowers; they need the frequent care of water, nutrients in the soil,
and daily sun light. Relationships similarly can’t grow without
frequent care of one-on-one time, such as date nights. The time of
couples focused on one another, creating emotional connection and
building a stronger connection in the relationship. Don’t forget to
water the relationship with adding on Dates!
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Computer love: Electronics are becoming more
and more part of the American routine; however, the technology of text
messaging and internet can create a wall between two people. I often
see couples sitting side by side out to dinner, yet they vanished away
into their own individual electronic worlds. Technology is getting in
the way and distracting them from the relationship.
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Friendship Focal Points: For social
butterflies, socializing is key and very significant for maintaining
relationships. The problem for couples is when either one or both
people put more emphasis on friendships and don’t create a healthy
balance. When friendship is the main focal point, then the
relationship shifts to the peripheral vision.
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No “Check-ins:” Quite frequently, partners
may hear different messages than what their partner is actually meaning
to say. The problem is that the simple step of checking in is
overlooked and then reactions take over, starting the communication war.
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Back Burner Choices: When life gets tough,
substance (such as drinking, shopping, eating, etc) is used to help
alleviate stress and take away the emotional pain. Unfortunately, the
choice of substance automatically puts the other partner on the back
burner…creating the feeling as if they aren’t willing to navigate
through the rough times by the side of their partner.
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Unsafe Zones: Safety is the comfort of your
partner knowing that they can rely on you, get comfort from you, and
know the . When someone criticizes, gets angry quickly, speaks down
to, or over looks your emotional needs, it can create the sense of “it
isn’t safe and my needs won’t be met.” This tends to push away
partners and have them get comfort on their own or look for it in other
ways.
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Avoiding Tough Topics: Many people avoid
tough discussions with their partner as a way to keep the relationship
tightly connected; however it doesn’t create space to resolve issues.
The partner on the receiving end may feel as you “go away” or “don’t
care,” creating a feeling as if they have to hold on tighter, cling on,
and get you to open up…which can actually push you further away.
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Email Snooping: An insecurely attached
relationship can feel terrible, with fear and overly concern with what
the other person is doing. Some partners take it upon themselves to do
the investigation and search through emails to either confirm or deny
their worst fears…a way to get comfort for their worry. The
problematic part of this email snooping is that the insecure attachment
does not get resolved, and the distress in the relationship becomes
magnified.
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Holding on Too Tight: When the attachment is
not secure, it can create a terrible feeling of fear of losing the
relationship. Some people may want to feel secure and take away the
discomfort by holding on very tightly and squeezing their partner
extremely hard that they can’t breathe. When the holding is too tight,
the partner on the receiving end will need to take a breath of air by
pulling away….and the cycle of keeping the relationship insecurely
attached continues.
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No Follow Through: Many people tell their
partner one thing, and then do something different. For example,
saying that you will be home by 6:00pm and then come home at 7:00pm.
No follow through shows your partner that they can’t rely on you.
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Infidelity: An affair on the side WILL damage the relationship…duh.
By Jennine Estes, MFT. Copyright © 2010 Jennine Estes, used with permission. All rights reserved.
Read more from Jeanine at RelationshipsInTheRaw.com
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