A Conversation with Margaret Feinberg

We spoke with Margaret Feinberg, author of one of our favorite books,  Just Married.

Why do you think so many young couples struggle to connect with God?

I think there are a couple reasons. I know for myself, when I was thinking about getting married, I had a mindset that praying, reading the bible, and talking about different Christian issues would just come naturally. I thought it would be a natural part of life.  I didn't realize that I had to be so intentional about carving out personal time with God one-on-one.  And I also needed to be intentional about making spiritual time with my spouse. So it does require effort and energy.

Secondly, when you're newly married, it's amazing being in love. Waking up on a Saturday morning I just want to snuggle in bed, under the down comforter next to my cute little husband. Getting up and reading the bible is more like a discipline or work. There is so much joy and excitement those first few years that you need to discipline yourself and be intentional about spiritual things. You need to say,  I really love spending time with my husband, but I love him enough — and I love God enough — that I will carve out time with God one-on-one.

We tell engaged couples that life as they know it will change drastically — even though you've done the pre-marriage prep, you have reasonable expectations, you're in love, etc., etc. — after you walk down that aisle, your lives will change. Does that sound familiar?

Need Help?

Absolutely. That resonates completely. I compare marriage to learning to drive a car. Somebody can give you a manual, they can tell you all about it, you can picture yourself in the front seat doing 150 miles-per-hour down an incredible speedway... But until you get behind the wheel yourself, crank over the engine, learn how to shift gears, it's all imaginary. It's not until you're actually doing it that you learn the reality of it.

There is a bit of a surprise or an awakening that comes in marriage once you're actually married. You may have pictured it to be one way, but in reality it's a completely different way.  Maybe it's watching a romantic movie and thinking you'll just naturally wake up in the morning and kiss. The reality is you both probably have morning breath. (laughs)

Margaret, I forget. Were you and Leif married in Alaska or were you married here in the states?

(laughs)

Oh, that was a good one. (laughs)

We were married in my hometown, Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

Tell me about your marriage preparation. What did that look like?

Oh my goodness. Leif and I had seen people with super long engagements and we decided that probably was not for us. We had talked about engagement probably six months into dating; we got engaged in July and we were married in September. So we did a very simple wedding. We didn't want to prolong an engagement, and honestly be tempted by sex. So by keeping it short and sweet, that wasn't an issue for us.

In terms of preparation, we did six weeks of mentoring sessions with our pastor. We invested a lot of time communicating about hopes & dreams, kids, money, and all those things we knew would be important.

What do you wish someone had told you before you got married?

Oh, a lot of things. One issue I talk about in Just Married that nobody had ever told me about is the sense of disconnect my husband and I get when we're apart. Because of the nature of our jobs sometimes we're away a week or longer and when we're apart each of us has a tendency to fall back into our single ways. I get used to doing things my way, having my perspective, my space, and my time. And all of a sudden the spouse comes back and there's a period that we call re-entry, which usually lasts 24-72 hours, where we have to get used to each other again. We've come to a point where we know it will be a little bumpy when we get back together, but we know that bumpiness isn't a reason to question our marriage. It's normal and it's okay. And sure enough in 24-72 hours we're back on the same wavelength, back in the same groove and our marriage is vibrant again.

Margaret, I know you and Leif waited for sex. Looking back now, what was the payoff? Any regrets?

I wasn't married until 29; he wasn't married until he was 27. Depending on your age and perspective in life, that's a really long time. (laughs) That said, we are so glad we waited. I can see in God's design why waiting until marriage for sex is the best possible way to live: to share yourself whole heartedly with someone, no not have flashbacks of previous partners and experiences, to have a clean mind at the start that allows you to develop memories with each other. It's amazing.

There is a hardship that comes with waiting.  Sex is something new and we often have an unrealistic picture of what to expect. The sex I thought I'd have with my husband the first week of marriage, it took us six months to get there. And as we approach our second wedding anniversary, the sex keeps getting better. It's something that takes time. And you need to recognize it's a learning experience.

What advice would you give to a couple thinking about marriage?

First of all, spend time in pre-marital counseling. It's not something to check off on your to-do list. This is an incredible opportunity to get to know the person you'll spend the rest of your life with. If you can work through issues now, while you can go back to your separate homes — do it.   The more issues you can talk about and resolve now before you say "I Do", the better.

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Before I was married I heard stories of hardship and difficulty, and for some reason I didn't hear the message of how great marriage can be. Marriage can be an unbelievable blessing; it can be exciting and fun. Go in to marriage expecting to enjoy it, knowing of course it's work, compromise and sacrifice — marriage is a whole lot of fun.

Copyright © 2006 Growthtrac.