Talking About Pornography

Eight weeks ago I had a baby, and during that time I found out that my husband is using internet pornography. I know I should fulfill his needs, but I find this really difficult.

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot to deal with, with a new baby demanding your attention and finding about your husband's pornography use.

Let me start by saying that you seem to obviously love your husband and are committed to him, which is wonderful. Your baby will definitely benefit from that!

That being said, you said that "you understand about fulfilling his needs still". This is obviously important for women to remember, but if I can take a step back, his biggest need is for a good relationship with you, his child, and God. Using pornography is going to wreck all three. To help fulfill his needs, then, also involves helping him stop using pornography. It's very right for you to be upset!

Pornography is dangerous because it rewires the brain to believe that what is sexy is anonymous sex, rather than the relationship. It makes sex physical, rather than about emotional intimacy. Soon it loses the ability to cause emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy loses the ability to cause any sexual feelings. In fact, while he's making love to you he may even have to fantasize or picture pornography in his mind to become aroused. This will ultimately wreck your sex life. It has been found tht men who use internet pornography actually lose their sexual desire for their wives.

Talking to him about this is very important. Consider viewing some of the Marriage Uncensored shows together, including the 1st season #121 and 122, and 2nd season - #214, 209, 215. Go to www.marriageuncensored.com

These books are also very good: Every Man's Battle, by Steve Arterburn, Pure Desire and Betrayed Heart by Ted Roberts.

If he is addicted to pornography, I think asking him to go for counselling or telling him that he cannot have both the internet and you could be advisable. Pornography is just about the same as having an affair, and we wouldn't permit that either.

Then, if he does stop using the internet, make sure you make sex as fun for him as possible. Romance him. Initiate sometimes, even when you're tired from the baby. Have fun together. Let him know he still excites you. But make sure that your lovemaking is separate from his pornography, not part of him acting something out, or it will just escalate the problem.

Also know that you're not alone. This is becoming a huge problem and wrecking many marriages. It doesn't need to, though, and I pray that you will find ways of talking about this and dealing with it together so that you can both feel loved and cherished in your marriage.

Copyright © 2006 Sheila Wray Gregoire, used with permission.
Visit Shiela at sheilawraygregoire.com