Best-selling author Gary Chapman talks with us about his book,
Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way...
You used the terms “implode” and
“explode” when talking about anger...
Yes. “Explosion” we’re all very
familiar with
because we have been the recipients of it. You know someone explodes
with words
or they explode with behavior in anger. Or we have sometimes done that
ourselves, most of us, but imploding we’re not as familiar with. That’s
holding
the anger inside — it’s the Christian thing to do. They’ve seen other
people
explode or maybe they’ve exploded in the past and they say,
That’s not right. I know God doesn’t
want me
to do that. So what they do is they hold their anger
inside.
Well, that violates the Bible. Scriptures
say in
Ephesians 4:26, “Get rid of anger. Don’t let the sun go down on your
anger.”
That means you’re supposed to get rid of anger rather
quickly.
I think we have to take responsibility for
our anger
rather than holding it inside. We have to do what Jesus taught and that
is
lovingly confront the person who has wronged us. When you hold it
inside, it
turns to bitterness, which is always sin in the Bible. And it turns to
hatred,
which is the attitude of:
I
wish I could
pay them back. You know I wish something bad would happen to them.
Well,
that’s sin. The Bible says hatred is sin.
We can’t
allow ourselves to hold anger inside. What
happens is we implode when we do that. It’s like a building falling in
on
itself. Physically, emotionally, spirituality we fall in on ourselves.
This
often leads to depression in a person’s
life.
Could
you explain what you mean by “an
anger agreement” in marriage?
Couples
can say to each other,
I know,
I know from time to time we're going to hurt each other. I hope
most of the time it'll be unintentional.
Why don’t we have a plan that when we do get angry, we will both be
open to listen to the other
person. Let’s work out a plan.
In the
back of the book, I actually have a little
card that you can tear off and put on the refrigerator. The idea is
that you go
get the card when you’re angry and you stand in front of your spouse
and read
it. The card says,
“I’m feeling
angry right now but don’t worry, I’m not
going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is this a good time to
talk?”
[laughs] It brings a little humor into the tension and it also says
what you’re
not going to do.
So you have a plan. You say to each
other,
I’ll be the listener. If
you’re angry with
me, I’ll be the listener and I’ll try to hear you out. And
if we both have
that little agreement, then chances are we’re more likely to follow the
plan if
we have a plan. Most couples don’t have a plan. They just do what comes
natural
for them.
Couples have told me,
"Oh, we’ve never argued. We’ve never
had a disagreement." And I'll say,
"Well, you need to do that — You need to
have an argument!" Would you agree with that? Is conflict
a
good thing?
Well, I think conflict is
inevitable. People who say
they haven’t had conflicts either haven’t been married very long or
they’re not
being honest. The reality is: No two people are alike. We have
different
thoughts. We have different feelings and that’s what a conflict is. We
disagree
on something and we both feel strongly about it.
Now,
if you don’t feel strongly about it, it’s not a
conflict. It’s just a difference of opinion. You know she likes yellow
and he
likes blue. That’s not a conflict. That’s just a difference of opinion.
Unless
you’re talking about what color to paint the bathroom and you both feel
strongly about it. [laughs] But if you have the emotion, you feel
strongly
about it, it’s a conflict.
That’s where I think we
have to agree:
Let’s listen.
Let’s talk and let’s listen.
You share your side and then later I can share my side.
And maybe after we
share our opinions we will still realize we do disagree.
Now how are we going to handle
it? And you give each other the
freedom to feel differently and think differently and you spend your
energy
looking for a solution rather than trying to argue each other into
agreement.
I think argument in a marriage leads
downward. We
end up saying things we regret and typically we don’t win the argument.
We just
walk away in a draw and we resent each other.
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