Best-selling author Gary Chapman talks with us about his book,
Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way...
Gary, why a book on anger?
I’ve been counseling for 30 years now — I’ve had a
lot of couples in my office — and most
of them have anger problems. They’re either angry with their spouse or they
feel like they’re spouse is being angry and unreasonable with them. I really
felt when I wrote this book that if I could help people understand anger, first
of all, because most people have little understanding, and then learn how to
process anger in a positive way — that I could help a lot of couples. And
that’s really what I’m trying to do: provide practical ideas on how to handle
anger in a positive way.
Is there such thing as good anger,
productive anger?
I think there is good anger and many Christians fail
to recognize this. We’ve seen so many people explode in anger that we think all
anger is bad. We get angry because we’re made in God’s image. We get angry
because we have a sense of right and wrong and when our sense of right is
violated we get angry—the same reason God gets angry.
God gives us the example on how to handle anger. You know when God is angry he
does something constructive. Typically, he sends a prophet to say,
You know your behavior has angered me and
I’m calling you to repentance. I want to forgive you. I want to restore our
relationship.
And that really is the purpose of anger in our lives. It’s to motivate us to
reach out to the person that we believe did us wrong and to seek to call them
to repentance so we can forgive them and restore the relationship.
Of course it’s not so easy in the
midst of anger. In the context of marriage, I know it’s tough to react to
anger. How do you recommend a husband and wife respond to anger?
Well, first of all, we need to take a timeout
[laughs]. So I say to couples,
"Find
a way that works for you." Some
people just call timeout and take a walk and both of them honor that. Some
people start counting. My mother always told me,
Count to ten. I say,
Count to
a hundred [laughs]
or a thousand. Give
yourself a little time.
One lady told me.
"Dr
. Chapman, when I get angry I water my
flowers." She said,
"The first summer I did that I almost
drowned my petunias." [laughs]
If you take a timeout, give yourself time to cool
down. Ask yourself,
Did they really wrong me? Or is it just that
I didn’t get my way? And if they wronged you, then the Bible is clear. You
need to confront them—lovingly confront them with the wrong. But if you realize
they didn’t do anything wrong, it’s that I didn’t get my way and I’m irritated.
That's the issue.
I say
lovingly confront. What you say is something like this:
You know I may not have all the facts or
maybe I misunderstood this. I’m actually feeling pretty angry, if what I think
is true, but maybe I’ve missed it. But I want to share it with you because
maybe you can shed some light on this. You can help me with this.
There are two kinds of anger. The first is good
anger—it’s positive anger—and the second is what I call “bad anger” or
distorted anger. We’re angry because of a selfish reason. Things didn’t go our
way. Both of them are real, but we have to learn how to process them in a
positive way.
Talking about marriage, how does a
couple know, a spouse know, when anger is abusive?
If we have responses that lash out in condemnation —
calling people names, words that are designed to hurt people — we’ve crossed
the line. It’s a verbal abuse. On the other hand, if we throw things at people,
if we shake people, if we hit people, we’ve crossed the line and it’s physical abuse.
Both of those are responses to anger. They’re both wrong responses to
anger—poor responses to anger—but they are responses to anger.
And the fact is many people grew up with these
models and consequently they just repeat what they saw parents do. But, as
adults we have to take responsibility for our anger, recognize that’s not a
positive way to respond.
I’ve got to find
a new way to handle anger.
I’m trying to help people in the book discover that
you can learn to handle anger in a positive way and it starts with the timeout
and then, possibly, lovingly confronting the person.
So, there’s responsibility on both
sides.
I think the responsibility when someone comes at you
who is angry, is to listen to them—it’s a major responsibility—and often we
don’t do that. If our spouse comes and says,
I’m feeling angry; Can we talk? And they start talking about why
they’re angry and if we disagree with them, we break in and say,
Well, that’s not true. I didn’t say that. So
here we are in an argument. They came at us and we lashed back at them.
What I say is: If your spouse is angry, it’s time
for you to focus on listening. Listen to what they’re saying. Try to pick up on
how they are interpreting the situation. Try to understand why they’re angry.
You can’t have a meaningful response if you don’t find out why they’re angry.
You have to listen long enough to understand why they’re angry.
In fact, I have seven steps of responding to an
angry person and the first three are listening. [laughs] Listen, listen, listen!
You say,
I
think what I hear you saying is you’re angry because you had to ask me five
times to take the garbage out. Is that what you’re saying? ‘Well, that’s part
of it.’ [laughs]
And then they
give you the rest of it. If you listen three times, you’ll probably find out
why they’re really angry and then you can say to them,
You know, I understand what you’re saying. I can see how you would be
angry.
And if you listen long enough, you can honestly say:
I can see how you would be angry and if I
were in your shoes I’m sure I would feel the same way. And you would, if
you had their personality. If you interpreted it the way they did, you’d have
the same feelings.
And then you say,
Let me share with you my perspective. Let me share with you what I was
thinking when I did that. And now because you’ve heard them, because you’ve
affirmed them, now they’re likely to hear you and you can share your side.
So anger does not have to lead to arguments. If we
listen to the person long enough to find out why they’re angry then we can have
an intelligent response.
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