Love & Respect — a simple concept, and it's so effective. Emerson, what makes this book different?
The book is Love & Respect: the love she most desires and the respect he desperately needs. The essence of that comes from Ephesians 5:33 which is the most significant treatise in the New Testament, most would conclude, on marriage. We might say Jim, it's God's last word to the church.
It's as if my grandfather was dying and he was on his death bed, cognizant, but ailing. And he said, "Emerson, come close I have something I need to tell you; come close please. As he looks around, I lean forward and he whispers something into my ears.
Well you know Jim, whatever my grandfather has to say at that moment is going to be the most important words he'll ever say to me. The words come deep from his soul and he intends for them to go deep into my soul. Well, it's as if God has spoken his last word to the church.
Most would conclude that the climax to marriage is Ephesians 5:33. It is as though the Lord is saying, "Lean close church, listen to me. And if you listen everything will be okay."
There, the apostle Paul says, "Husbands, love your wives and wives respect your husbands." And that in my view is the essence of what God intends marriage to be.
In some ways that resonates with you as you read the title, and it resonates with a lot of people; you know,
that seems to capture it. It seems to communicate the foundational dynamic between all people, but in this case, definitely between men and women.
Emerson, how was the Love & Respect concept revealed to you?
I was a senior pastor for twenty years at a church in East Lansing. I had a teaching-preaching ministry there, and while meditating on Ephesians 5:33 one day I realized a husband is commanded to love his wife. Now we knew that and preached that in the church, but I thought, why is it that God commands the husband to love? Well, duh, she needs love like she needs air to breathe.
And so, the message became more relevant to you.
Exactly. I liken that to her wearing an air tank connected to an air hose, and she needs to breathe in that love as she does air. If he walks in and stands on her air hose, she will flat line on the emotional heart monitor. She'll scream, "Get off my air hose!" If he doesn't get her message she'll scream harder and hit him upside the head. Now he's standing there bleeding with a headache thinking, what in the world just hit me? [laughs]
There was this need she had to feel loved for who she is apart from her performance. But as I got into the second part of the verse I realized, wives are commanded to respect their husbands. Apparently he needs to feel respected for who he is, and maybe even apart from his performance. Maybe as she needs to be loved unconditionally, he needs to be respected unconditionally.
And I cross-referenced to Peter who precisely says that (in 1Peter 3:1-2) about wives who were married to disobedient husbands. He says you can win this disobedient husband through your respectful behavior. And there it was again, that same Greek word. I thought whoa, that's unconditional respect because the guy doesn't deserve respect —
I suddenly saw, unconditional love and unconditional respect and I realized apparently this husband needs something from his wife that only she can give him. In fact what I realized is this: No husband feels fond feelings of love and affection in his heart toward a wife he thinks despises him.
That's important.
Here's what is so exciting Jim. When a wife feels unloved she tends to negatively react in a way that's hugely disrespectful to her husband — and she doesn't see that part of it.
And when a husband feels disrespected, he negatively reacts in a way that seems hugely unloving to his wife — and he doesn't see it. She's crying out for love, but comes across disrespectfully. He's crying out for respect, but he comes across unloving. And thus was born what I call the
Crazy Cycle: without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love.
Practically speaking, how should a husband love his wife?
We made it easy in the book with the simple acronym C.O.U.P. L. E.
For example, a husband is to be Close to his wife, seeking to be face-to-face with her, to talk with her. It's in a woman's nature to look eye-to-eye. That will never be natural to a man; we look away during conflict because we don't want to be more provoked. It takes real guts to look at her and say, "I'm sorry, will you forgive me?", and when we do she softens and the rage stops. We talk more about this in the book.
What would be some first steps in implementing these concepts?
People say, well who's going to move first? And we say, the one who sees himself or herself as the most mature [laughs]. So it's a matter of us trusting that this is God's word and trusting as I act on this information, the Lord will honor me.
If a wife says, "Well I'm not showing him respect because he doesn't deserve it, he hasn't earned it; he's not superior to me..." I understand those sentiments, but the question becomes, what's the alternative? Do you actually think if you show him disrespect it will motivate him to be loving? That's comparable to him saying, "I'm not loving that woman until she shows me more respect!"
Someone has to break that cycle, and it's the mature one who can do that.
We're finding across America, hundreds of couples on the edge of divorce — even filing for divorce — have torn up papers. There was rapid forgiveness because once they understood this, they changed.
Copyright © 2006 Growthtrac.
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