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I Don't Want a Divorce
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By Dr. David Clarke
Regular Church Attendance
God wants you and your spouse in church on a regular basis. He has chosen the local church as his vehicle to change the world. God commands believers not to get out of the habit of attending church (Heb. 10:25), but to be committed and active members of a local church (Acts 2:42; Eph. 4:14-16).
You need a local church that will support you emotionally and spiritually as you work to change your marriage. You need a church where you can find accountability partners. You need a church where the Bible is taught from the pulpit. You need a church where you can be in a Sunday Bible class, a women's or men's Bible study and fellowship group, a support group, or a life group where you will receive the encouragement and emotional connections that smaller groups like these provide. You need a church where you and your family can worship God and serve him with your gifts.
Though not essential, it is preferable to be in a church with a strong men's ministry, a strong women's ministry, and a strong marriage ministry. A church with these programs can meet your relational needs, expose you to good Christian role models, and provide biblical teaching on how to build a great marriage.
Come to Christ
I would love for you to know God as we embark on this journey of change together. If you don't know God yet-except perhaps as a "force," a distant mystery figure, a punitive judge, or a doddering old grandfather-now would be a great time to begin a relationship with him.
It's only through Jesus Christ that you can connect with God.
Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved. Acts 4:12(If you want to know more about beginning a personal relationship with God through Jesus, please see the appendix in the back of this book. I place this in an appendix, though it is the very first priority in life. Please go to the appendix now if you so desire.)
I hope you know God through Jesus as you begin this journey of marital change.
But if you don't, I pray you will meet him along the way.
One Accountability Partner for Each of You
The second pillar in your new relationship foundation is accountability. You and your spouse each need to find a person who will serve as an accountability partner. My Change Your Marriage program is difficult. It will make a big difference to have a same-sex confidant(e) to walk beside you every step of the way.
Here's your accountability partner's job description:
• loves Jesus
• loves you
• is not a family member
• can keep secrets
• will confront you without hesitation or reservation
• will comfort
• will encourage
• will listen
• will make time on a regular basis to talk and pray with you
This person may be your age or older or younger. This person may already be a friend or may be someone you have not met. Preferably, he or she will be married-and, from everything you know and observe, happily married. Your partner's marriage may not be perfect, of course, but it should be strong, stable, healthy, and growing better. Your relationship with this person may be one-way, with your friend serving as a mentor to you, or it may be a mutual relationship with the two of you holding each other accountable for the Change Your Marriage Steps.
I recommend a once-a-week, face-to-face meeting with your accountability partner. Never use mail or email to discuss personal things that are going on in your marriage. The meeting should be in a quiet and private setting and should last at least an hour. You will discuss the specific Change Your Marriage Steps you are working on and the obstacles you are encountering in the change process. End each meeting with prayer.
Four Couple Talk Times per Week
The third pillar is establishing and maintaining four twenty-to-thirty minute Couple Talk Times per week. This is an essential part of my program. Without it, your marriage will not change. With it, you will have a great opportunity to experience real change in your relationship.
Time together is the foundation of every intimate relationship. Time does not guarantee intimacy, but it is absolutely necessary for intimacy to be created. Despite conflictual or bad feelings between you now or in the past, do this. Ask the Lord, and trust him that you can begin talking again and reconnect.
Adapted from
I Don't Want a Divorce, by Dr. David Clarke
Copyright © 2009 by Dr. David Clarke. Published by Revell. Used with permission.
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